Heading To Hawaii? I Guarantee You That You’ll Run Into A Few Of These Clowns.
Ah, Hawaii. It’s as beautiful as it is diverse, its people as colorful as the sunsets and as extreme as the landscapes. As with any destination, there are a few “types” that you’re sure to encounter on the islands. Brush up on the list below so you’re prepared for your arrival.
1. Schmoopy Honeymooners
They spend $475/night to make out in front of you at the beach, the restaurant, the mall, etc.
2. Guy on a perpetual photo shoot
He doesn’t know for sure that Ralph Lauren isn’t taking his picture, so he’s doing push ups just in case.
3. The committed tanner
Nothing will get between her and the sun.
On the flip side, the first time you see a jogger decked out in this sun-shielding gear, I mean, what else could it be but a vampire?
5. Guy who goes to yoga “for the yoga”
Sure, guy. Sure you do.
6. Moped rider with a death wish
You don’t need a license to ride a moped in Hawaii, but you definitely need nine lives.
7. Blushing brides
Easily identifiable by their close entourage of hung-over grooms and frantic photographers.
8. The lifelong Jeff Spicoli
He’s over 40, lives on the North Shore with his parents, and probably works as an “aspiring photographer.”
9. Really excited servicemembers
They’re stationed in Hawaii, after all.
10. Intense hippies
They preach the benefits of vegan diets, sleep in tents on the beach, never wear shoes, and will, at one point or another, ask you if you have any weed.
11. Lost tourists
Seriously, the sidewalks aren’t even safe.
12. The Kendama master
He can be found playing with the toy at the beach, on the bus, even while crossing the street. No one knows what his day job is, but the Kendama master spends each waking hour perfecting his moves for no discernible reason whatsoever.
13. The surfing pig
His name is Kamupua‘a, and if you see him, you basically just won the lottery.
14. Guy who accosts you with parrots on the street
Ready for your photo-op? It’ll cost you…
15. Haole who moved here three years ago, but reallyembraces all things Hawaiian
She handpicked every single shell she’s wearing and starts all conversations with, “Aloha!”
16. The last man in
Who wishes he could have shut and locked the door behind him. “Oh, you like Hawaii now? You should have been here when I first moved here, before all these newcomers started changing everything and crowding the islands.”
17. Karaoke dream girl
Not only does she have the same go-to song as you, but she pronounces “karaoke” correctly: kah-rah-oh-keh.
18. Shark whisperer
We’re not kidding. People like this actually exist in Hawaii.
You’re not entirely sure where their income comes from since they seem to be on a permanent vacation — and they aren’t afraid to let you know it.
20. The environmental extremist
GMOs and plastic bags are the devil’s work. If you’re not eating organic and repurposing your stray hairs into macrame plant hangers, you hate the Earth.
21. Local bruddah who knows you’re not kama‘aina
Don’t even try.