Did you want to charge your phone? Well, that’s too bad. The Outlet Hog got here first and he’s already charging his laptop, iPad, iPad mini, electric razor, a gel manicure lamp, and some sort of foot massager but he’ll take down the number of the nearest florist to send flowers to the funeral of your dead phone battery.
As soon as first class starts boarding, a look of panic spreads across the gate and these zone 4 suckers are lining up like they own the airplane. Dudes, chill, they haven’t even called business class or Silver Platinum Sparkle Elite members yet. You’re just clogging things up with your desperation.
Are you serious right now? No, really, because Indignant Traveler is asking. Are you kidding me? No, really, are you? Because Indignant Traveler is asking again, and this time he’s not taking no for an answer.
This person has no idea what’s going on, or how they even got to the airport. And you will be right behind them in the airport security line.
Maybe you saw him in the security line. Maybe you saw him at Starbucks. But wherever you saw him, you thought, Check out that weirdo. Well, guess what. That weirdo is guaranteed to be at your gate.
Teen packs can plague any location, but their youthful exuberance really comes out in an enclosed space. And if they’re on your flight, may God have mercy on your soul.
Much like a pack of teens, a loving couple can show up and ruin any environment, but Air Lovers seem to use every aspect of the airport to celebrate their love. First time going through security together. We did it! First time wistfully staring out a window at a tarmac. First time making strangers thankful there’s at least an armrest protecting them from your public snuggles.
It makes total sense to be comfortable if you have to be trapped in a metal sky tube for hours. But for some, comfort is very serious business and requires going full-on pajama. Elastic waist or death.
There’s a cult following of people who are weirdly excited by the prospect of paying $15 for an unnaturally colored sugarblast margarita at a Chili’s Too in the airport. Thing is, the airport has to rank within the top five saddest locations to drink, rivaled only by bus terminal and the AppleBee’s in Times Square.
Someone took the old “Take me with you! I’ll fit inside your carry-on!” joke a little too literally.
The Survivalist treats the airport like The Hunger Games. They brought their own food and they’re already washing their socks in the terminal bathroom sink.
Brace yourself, you’re about to hear all the high-powered details of the Johnson account. Much touching base shall ensue.
Floppers are just floppin’ out anywhere — on the floor, over an armrest, up against a trash can. You can’t help but feel for Floppers, because they’ve clearly been put through the ringer of air travel — delays, cancellations, jet lag, gross $12 sandwiches. But just keep moving: No one can save them now.
The Suitcase Struggler has a suitcase roughly the size of their own person that they can barely roll to the baggage-check area. They might even have an entire caravan of suitcases so big they could comfortably fit a family of four.
To be fair, airports are in fact horrifying places that rip us of all dignity, but The Exasperator is panting as soon as they grab one of those plastic security bins. You’ll usually see this person putting shoes back on looking like they just survived an apocalyptic nightmare — though airport security comes pretty close to being just that.
For the people you’ll meet when you get on the plane, check out 21 Types Of People You Meet While Flying.